2013: Trends I Glady Skipped

 

It’s 2013 and the worlds populations want to keep up with the latest/hottest trends has only increased with the ease of every growing technology. Once not so long ago, the thought of getting texts or emails with the latest fashions trends and what’s-nots, wasn’t even a thought.

 

 

Most people were unaware of where technology would go. People were already freaking about being able to order things from the TV. Now you didn’t have to mail off for it, and no one liked door-to-door salesmen. Boy did the metaphorical shyt hit the fan when people could start shopping online.

 

 

Once this happened the world sort of crashed, and went “cray cray”. (Think I just threw up a little bit.) We became extreme stalkers of celebrities, and public officials. Like we weren’t reading enough about them in magazine before, now we could get it at the click of a button, and up to the minute.

 

 

It’s always been the “thing”, celebrity’s  have the newest and hottest stuff. I imagine that from the day there was man, he was trying to one up another man.

 

Everywhere you look there is some new fade that all the “cool kids“ are following. I admit there are plenty we can turn our head to. Some of them are alright, I’m sure we’re all pretty thankful that shaving caught on. How gross would we be without it?

 

 

Of course, there are those people who have to take things a bit too far.

 

These are the people we can thank for my 2013 list of WTF were they thinking, trends.

 

 

1. Padded Underwear: That’s right ladies! Don’t like your butt? Don’t have a butt? Can’t afford surgery, or to scared to try? Well that’s ok, because now you can buy foam padded underwear, and have that butt you always wanted.

 

 

2. Why leave the hamburgers on the dinner table, when you can wear them on your face. No, you didn’t read that wrong. Welcome to the world of hamburger eye-shadow, where Burger King is making their way, yours too.

 

 

3. Glamping: If you haven’t heard, the outdoors wasn’t nice enough. Now we need couches, and Gucci to go camping. Of course, camping is too lame a word to sale the fancy people into doing it. Bam! Out came glamping! Like ooohhh my goooodddd! *Rolls eyes* whatever happened to going camping to get away from the fancy living, and modern life? You can slap make-up on a pig, but it’s still going to be a pig.

 

 

4. Fecal Facials: Want acne free skin thats glowing , soft as a baby’s bottom, and youthful? All you have to do is pay someone to rub special nightingale poop on your face…and then sit in it for 50 minute sessions. Now big deal, everyone rubs crap on their face. (Seriously, what’s the world coming to? I’ll take a pimple every now and then. I’ll also take the wrinkles; forget bird crap on my face.)

 

 

5. The tongue patch: No more mouth herpes for you? No sorry, you’re still going to have to worry about that one. However, your diets are going to go a lot better when you get this handy little patch stitched to your tongue. That’s right, stitched! I of course forgot to mention that this handy little patch is intended to make eating painful. So if you can’t stop shoveling the food into your face, just get yourself the patch, and learn to hate food the hard way.

 

 

6. Tired of having that annoying smell of alcohol on your breath? Well that’s good, because now people have begun skipping the drinking and just pouring it straight into the eye. That’s right, the eyeball. Apparently, the alcohol goes straight into the blood stream. So for the price of burning your eye, and possibly going blind…you won’t have to worry about covering up the alcohol on your breath. *note: this is apparently a big teen fade, so parents watch out. Hope that your kid isn’t this dang stupid.*

 

 

7. Eyeball drinking not fast enough for you? Well that’s ok too, another set of morons came up with smoking alcohol. Forget liquid form all together, and just start vaporizing your booze for instant intoxication. *Warning: since there are a large amount of stupid people, I feel the need to mention that doing this will likely lead to you being a moron for life. At worst, you could die. Unlike drinking alcohol, the brain has no way to filter out the vapors you inhale from alcohol. DO NOT do this!!*

 

 

8. The lotus birth: Now you can have your baby, and keep the umbilical cord …and placenta attached. Instead of cutting the “bond” between baby and placenta, you just keep it, and wait for it to dry up and fall off. As if waiting for the tiny piece to fall off isn’t bad enough. Now you can add carrying a Reynolds bowl full of placenta around, to your mommy to do list. I can just see the women panicking because they dropped the bowl, or shut the cord in a door.

 

I’m all for trying to do the best for your baby, but I’m not sure I could have carried my kids around…with their placenta. Bob knows my hubby wouldn’t have been able to touch the kids until it all fell away. To each their own I suppose, no worse than those who decide to eat the placenta, yum….not.

 

 

9. Getting married? Worried about all that fabric at tinkle time? Worry no more, now you can get the fabulous bridal diaper. Say your vows, and relieve yourself with ease. Have your first dance, and crap without anyone knowing. No need for bridesmaids assisting you in the bathroom, bridal diapers have you covered. *note: if You use this product, I advise you to keep at least this one thing a secret. Also, don’t forget about it and ruin the honeymoon with a horribly  embarrassing moment like that . No man wants to change your diaper, hahaha.*

 

 

10. Rainbow parties: love rainbows? Love pretty colors? Do you enjoy painting with your mouth? Then you just might like rainbow parties, that is of course if you’re ok with giving a dude (or dudes) a blow job with a handful of other girls. The object of this little party is to get the dudes junk to look like a rainbow, by applying the color with different girl’s mouths. Simple, right? *doesn’t anyone worry about STD’s anymore? Maybe it is time that we lock up our girls.*

 

 

If you weren’t questioning the outcome of the world, you certainly must be now? How in the hell did these things catch on? I don’t know about you guys, but these are 10 trends I’ll gladly be skipping.

 

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One Response to 2013: Trends I Glady Skipped

  1. mail4rosey says:

    Count me as skipping out on them all too. I had only heard of one (#4) and that's because a friend emailed it to me saying how ridiculous it was.

    Good gravy.

    Have a great rest of the weekend!

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