We’re suppose to be in love, somewhere that seems to have gone astray. Love only peeks its head in between the loathing and resentment. I admit that I didn’t believe it would turn this way but then again I didn’t realize who you were.
I saw with lovers eyes and they overlooked the angry, bitter, loner of a person you are. Then again. maybe I’ve made you into this person and if so, I’m sorry for that. Sadly, I don’t really believe that to be the truth. You were the first person to treat me “right”, then again I didn’t have the best idea of what right was.
I wish I could have seen all the negativity and hatred in you, at least then I’d have no room to be disappointed. Unfortunately, I grew up with the thoughts of a romantic man who showered me with love (not money, or materials, just love) who could express his love for me and appreciate me just as I do him.
It was all stupid idealism, I should know that anything “ideal” isn’t going to happen for me. Now I’m left feeling settled, lost and most times I’m unsure of who I am, or how I got to this place to begin with.
The worst part is that I can’t bring myself to stop loving you. No matter how far I get away from being who I want to be, or how much you hurt me, I can’t stop. I spend a lot of time feeling bad about it because I can’t go back, I can’t pick again or do a better job next time.
I settled on so many things, I stuck myself here and now this is what I have to deal with. I can’t change the anger inside you, I can’t fix the problems you have, and no matter how great I am, it’ll still never be enough. I guess it’s lucky for you that I can’t stop loving you. No matter how many times i’d like to just give up, I can’t. Who knows, maybe you’ll be that great person again one day, and if not…I’m only wasting my life. right?