(This is part 2, if you need to catch up *click here*.)
This blank page stares at me with what I believe to be a smirk of victory. I’m unsure of where to start, I don’t know much about my fathers childhood….I guess the best thing I can do is a breakdown, though I don’t know how much I really have to offer on his first 21 years before me.
1. My father was not a high school graduate. I’m not 100% sure why, but I imagine it has to do with the fact that he wasn’t very book smart, and he felt like he had better things to do. You know – get high, party….that sort of thing.
2. My father was a child of divorce. I’m not really sure how this affected him. I wish I knew if his life was balanced between his parents, or if the divorce was a big struggle. I know that my granddaddy married a mutual best friend, and I’m lead to believe that everyone loved her just as much as they did their real mother. These aren’t things that I feel I can ask his family, personally I imagine answers like its none of your business, is what I am likely to get.
3. My dad and his brother were caught trying to roll up and smoke grass, or hay (can’t remember which.). As I hear it, my granddaddy made them smoke it, and they got really sick but “learned” their lesson….I guess that was just for the time being, in my dads case.
4. My father was messed up before I came along, though I did not cause him to be that way…..I did not help it either. I believe he was further tormented once I came along. He had so much worry with what a disappointment he was to his family that the realization that he’d also be a huge disappointment to me, was far from helpful. You’d think that would make him want to change, but apparently that guilt wasn’t enough.
5. My dad was an abusive man, but never laid a hand on me. I believe this is due to the fact that my mother left him and took me, because of his abusive actions. I feel 100% sure that he never hit me because he didn’t want mom to take his rights away, or the family to stop giving him money. (Money being the biggest motivation.)
6. My father never shared memories of when I was younger, and I never saw a picture of myself in his home. I’m not sure what he did with my baby pictures, but I can only imagine he tried to erase me…just as he did with everything else.
7. He was the least favorite, no matter how hard he tried. He felt this, it tortured him, and pulled him further from family as well as reality.
8. All he wanted was approval, when he saw he couldn’t be as good as his brother….he gave up.
9. If all the things my mother and father said are true. His family wasn’t very nice. He did a lot to help them, and he never ran from a chore – like his brother, but having money seemed to mean more. It didn’t matter if he was a kind, helpful man – he didn’t have that college degree and high paying job, so he wasn’t good enough.
10. My father was the true southern man. He loved hunting, fishing, farming and BBQ. Sadly, his biggest love was getting drunk, getting high, and forgetting about the world….which included me.
11. Before my mom had left, he had already had a replacement family lined up. He would much rather be feeding his addiction with someone who would do the same. The crackhead hoe-bag (common street corner, junky type.) went from an on the side thing to his new love. (Yay for me, well discuss that later.)
I’m not sure what all I will find on this journey, but I will continue to learn and recall all that I can. At least until the lost little girl in me feels the inner peace she’s been searching for.
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