I walk with purpose, with mission. I plaster on a smile for the passing people. I fulfill the requirement for polite response when others feel the need to speak in my direction. I put on a fabulous show. You wouldn’t know by looking at me, you wouldn’t even know when I speak – I’ve perfected the perky voice of everyday people, it’s fake but it’s there and it’s all part of my shells disguise.
I hide because I don’t want to hear the judgment that comes with admitting you suffer from a sadness which leaves you feeling hopelessly alone. I hide my pain because when others catch sight of it they respond without care “Life goes on.” “Get over it.” “Move on” and the best one “just be happy.” Or they don’t respond and sometimes silence is the worse judgment of all.
Happiness is in no way created equal.
Just be happy you say? Oh, well shit I never thought of that! It’s not like I don’t fight day in and day out to be happy. Look at me, you’ll see it. Painted on my face, a mask for every person and place. Yeah, I’ve worn the happy face. I’ve smushed and glued, I’ve cut and taped. The package said one size fits all but we all know how those claims go – what’s a dress on one is a tube-top on another.
Do me a favor. In fact, do all of us a favor who find ourselves suffering more than others. If we’ve taken the time to show you a glimpse of our sadness, if we’ve cracked the door open, into our world. Don’t come back with half-ass suggestions, as if those thoughts never occurred to us. Believe me when I say, we fight like hell to wear happy but it doesn’t come so easy and saying “I don’t understand why can’t just be happy.” Isn’t much help either because we ask ourselves a millions times a day and still don’t have an answer.
We practice happiness like a child practices riding a bike; getting on over and over, no matter how many times we fall and each time we get back up, we hold on to the thought that if we keep trying, we’re bound to get it. However, like the child, our confidence wavers and we battle the demons screaming “you’ll never get it!”. Don’t judge us because you can’t understand it. Chances are if we are opening up, we are not looking for guidance or suggestions but instead acceptance.