Recently I wrote a post on Ten things parents don’t tell you about potty training. This lead me thinking about other things that people don’t tell us when we’re parents to be. About the things we think to be myths, and things I wish that I had known before. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this post on the ten things you should know, before the baby comes.
1. The nightmare begins just after you get that positive test. Upon your first doctors appointment you experience the dreaded exam. With my first pregnancy, the doctor examined everything. (Oh the horror!) This “fun” first appointment went straight down the drain when a vaginal exam went further south…..I know!!! No warning, No dinner before hand….just SURPRISE! The first thing I did after leavening was thank my mom for not warning me of this unpleasantness.
Now, this didn’t happen with my other two. I don’t know if it just depends on the doctor, if it was something they use to do, or if my doctor was just a creeper – but I’m telling you…..just in case. Now if it happens to you, you’ll be like….oh yeah, NoHumdrum-Mum said this would happen, I didn’t want to believe it, but here I am with a surprise finger in the bum while trying to compare wines with the doctor. The baby is only pea sized, and already causing trouble for you.
2. We all know that pregnant woman can get nausea over anything – from the normal every day odors to the strangest of things. Pregnant woman will tell you they most often threw up over the smell of different foods, or the smell of trash. However, what pregnant woman aren’t telling you, is the real silent killer!……It’s farts. I know, you think I’ve lost it now, but I haven’t. There are tons of annoying smells in the home, but there is nothing worse than a husband passing gas, and then laughing as you throw up the last 2 meals you had finally managed to keep down.
If they’re not letting you walk through a bomb they left, or dropping one in bed and releasing its terror by fanning your side of the blankets, then they’re locking the car windows with no hope of a door escape for you. I know, all the people out there who have a partner like this are feeling my pain.
3. They say kids drive you crazy, but they don’t tell you insanity comes from the start. We’ve all seen the hormonal pregnant lady movie character and laugh it off. We all pretend that the crazy ends after the baby is born, but really it’s only just started. You’ll forever be irrational about certain things, like death. Child looses a parent young in your favorite show (or vice versa), and you’ll spend the next few hours calling everyone you know, and setting up a grapevine of people to take your baby if the clown from saw suddenly wants to play a game.
4. Oh, so you have a newborn?….. Welcome to being a sound ninja. Did the baby just wiggle his/her toe? Yeah, you heard it. Every little bump, breath, and whimper is now your worst sleep enemy. Like having a newborn isn’t enough, now you have to battle all the little sounds of life.
5. You’re going to be a “gross” person. Most of the time you smell, your hair is a bit dirty, you’re dressing for comfort now, and sleeping in spit-up. This is the new mom hobo phase. We’re mostly hunkered down in our homes at this point, and we stink of vomit…..even pee sometimes. We’re tired and often look half-dead. Hobo stage is the step right before you become a mombie (Mom-zombie.)
6. “I hope you have a kid just like you.” The famous words of so many parents, I know my mother said this multiply times throughout my life. Well…..guess what…..I did, I had three of them. Laugh like it’s crazy talk now, but just wait until you have a kid and it pulls one of your classic stunts. Your child’s in the fridge eating butter from the tub and you have flashbacks of your mom complaining about you as a child. This is easily comparable to Pringles, you know….once you pop the top, you just can’t stop. The first “OMG that’s mini me” moment will set off a downfall of them, and you’ll be saying it every other day.
7. You always see in movies or hear about girls who want to be nothing like their mothers. They grow up trying to be anything but their mothers, it’s like a girls worst nightmare. You might manage this for awhile, but what you don’t know is that your mom is secretly living in your head, and will pop out at random. I can’t count the number of times I’ve let one of my moms famous lines slip from my lips. (Moms making toast, and I’m being annoying. Mom ” If you don’t shut-up, I’m gonna come over there, and butter your bread for yea.” We weren’t even having toast. Haha)
My mom had plenty of sayings and yes, she even used the “ill turn this (insert item, store, house..here) around and take you home.” All those annoying things your parents did will randomly pop out in you, and sometimes come with their voice. As if they have traveled over on some brain wave, and took your body over in the that moment. Basically, your mom is sitting in your head, and every time your child has a “lost his/her mind” moment, your mother says “hold up now, wait a minute. OH NO they did not.” Then shit gets serious, and she takes control of you, and unleashes the kind of unholy hell only your mother could.
Then you have a good strong drink, and cry a tiny bit, because “Omg, I am my mother” is flashing in your head like a giant Hollywood sign. Then you shake it off, because the kids didn’t act a fool the rest of the day. So take it in, because before long you’ll be accepting this fact anyways.
8. When washing a baby boy, have two wash cloths. This is really a good rule of hand in general, but very important for boys. If you have them on the kitchen counter, and forget to cover that pee-pee with something, they will pee all over your kitchen. Twice in my life I have forgotten to keep it covered in the baby tub, and ended up with my son peeing straight into a cup, that was sitting a fair distance away. I was thankfully he at least had a talent for that, as the clean up wasn’t so bad, but it could have been much worse. If you remember to cover it…..it’ll save you a ton of clean up, or possibly even a shot to the face….which is every parents nightmare.
9. Drool is the new “it” seasoning in your life. That’s right, baby drool on everything, including your food. Baby slobber in your plate and on your utensils. There will be bits of left over, drool covered food in your plate and on your the utensil…..and guess what…..go ahead….guess! Yeah, you’re going to eat it, and if you manage to get a hot bite, it’ll be the best bite you’ve had in awhile. No worries, by the second or third kid, you don’t even think about the drool anymore. When other people mention it, you’ll smile, proclaim it to be your favorite seasoning, and continue on with eating while you can.
10. You’ll lose friends. I feel like this is a pretty big one that most people don’t mention. Sometimes having kids means losing friends. You’re either busy and don’t have enough time for them, or they don’t have kids and you now don’t have so much in common. Also, it could be that they’re still in the party phase of life, and now “getting your party on” is a 2am feedings, and diaper changes.
You may get lucky, all your friends may have kids, and you’ll think that means that you will all be the best mommy pals. What you don’t know is that after you have the baby a change will come in you. This change has happened to all your other mom friends, but you couldn’t see it because you were not a mom. One this change happens, you’ll start to lose, or cut loose friends for their differences in parenting, or because their the type who want to have mommy battles with you. (You know, my baby is bigger, he walked first…blah, blah, blah.) doesn’t matter how it happens, you’re just likely to loose some friends when a baby comes into your life.