So, you want a blowjob?

I suppose after a post like Just Eat It, it’s only right to cover the task of blowjobs. I know, I know. “Shh. Yuck. What a dirty word!” Seriously though, it’s time to get over that nonsense. Dick is good, dick is good for you …in most cases.STD’s and unplanned pregnancies would be good examples of when dick is bad but that’s neither here nor there, in this conversation – I mean seriously, there’s a reason even lesbians use strap-on’s. HELLO! That shit feels good – and I’m off point again…because penis!
Let’s get on with it: we are all aware of a man’s love for blowjobs and who can blame them – I don’t mind a bit of oral myself. One of the biggest complaints I’ve noticed floating among groups of men, is that they aren’t getting enough head – sure they can always use a bit more sex but the question still remains.
“Why won’t she go down on me more?”
Credit PixaBay
– Well unfortunately she just might not enjoy it. It happens, sorry dude. I agree, she should just get over it but the same could be said for you. Boom. In all honesty, if you really enjoy getting head, you should have found a girl who enjoys doing it. That should have been part of your screening process. Believe me, she took the size of your dick into consideration, it’s only fair if you consider her blowjob skills or lack of.
– She’s not happy: In most cases, we consider a blowjob to be a treat. Bad boyfriends/husbands, don’t get a treat. If we’re not happy, you’re not happy. Lets just say we have a mental chart and we’re keeping track of every kind act and asshole move you make – for your sake, you better hope the kind act column comes out on top.
– You never learned how to properly wash your junk. Here’s the thing guys: Sweaty nut-sac is not okay! It’s rank! You do realize we have to spend a lot of time breathing through our nose, right?! Get it together and wash that shit before you come begging for a blow. Now some of you might be saying “All she needs to do is say blowjob and I’ll hop right in the shower for a quick wash. No problem!” (Or however dudes talk in their heads – I imagine it involves more grunts)
 You say no problem, I say big problem! Once the word blowjob is thrown out there, your minds go on a one-way track – you have one way brain. No doubt you’ll jump in the shower but since you were never taught how to properly wash your junk and all you’re thinking about is your dick in our mouth – you end up with what I call soap nuts.
Credit Pixabay
Don’t let the name fool you; soap nuts affects the shaft as well. Your one-way mind leads to an over soaping and lack of rinsing due to over excitement. You know what we are left with? A mouth full of cool-mist, cock flavored bubbles!! Axe body was is not a replacement for flavored lube – I know shit, trust me. You might have to pick a few pubs from your teeth but I’m willing to place a bet on the fact that no woman has every left you with a mouth full of suds. That shit is just rude! If you want her to blow you more – learn how to wash your junk! Not once have I ever dreamed of being a bubble machine. Burping bubbles is not cool. Just not cool.
– Hair. Yeah we don’t enjoy it either. As someone who just dedicated a post to bringing the bush back, I suppose I can’t have much to say about it. As I said in Just Eat It “Don’t go full chabaca on your partner.” That means if it looks like we need to take a weed-walker to it, we’re going to either skip it or give you a “half-blow”; a mouth “tip-slip”, if you’re lucky. Trim it up if you want a full-shaft blow. Shave it all if you want us to include the nuts. It’s common courtesy.
Now you might be saying “Why do you women get to sport the bush?” And the answer is fairly simple. We want two thing: clit action and insertions. Our hair does not grow out of the area we want your mouth on. You can play Moses and part those lips like the red-sea, avoiding the hair in the process. Whereas, your bush goes nowhere but up our nose and in our mouths – unpleasant. Hairy nuts in a mouth is just wrong, the least you can do for us is shave it.
credit pixabay
“Why won’t she blow me longer? I’m tired of the five-minutes, call it quits bullshit.”
– Refer to previous answers.
– You keep gagging her. Unwanted gagging is wrong. Unwilling women are going to cut it short if you keep forcing it. Plenty of us don’t mind hands on our head or being guided by our pony-tail but you should always let her blow at her own pace and just be happy she is willing to stick it in her mouth in the first place.
credit pixabay
– She’s fucking lazy. That dirty bitch. Hope you didn’t marry her. Better luck next time if you did.
– You’ve pulled the five-minute and quit it with her and now you’re getting your payback. You should lick it better next time.
– You got a booshie bitch, she’s too good to put a dick in her mouth. Though, a new phone, the hottest shoes or even the latest bag will usual have her blowing you like that crackhead on the corner. Booshie bitches are about that money; if you can flash it, she can blow you. Buy that bitch a Benz and you can play all the holes.
– You’re the asshole who doesn’t warn a bitch. It is number ONE, top priority, that you at least give a tap when you’re about to blow your load. You are not a Cadbury egg, not everyone wants your filling. Don’t wait until the last-minute and unload in an unwilling mouth. After something like that, you’ll be lucky if she gives you the five-minutes – she’s far more likely to drop it to a hand-job with a few . Give her the tap, let her know and if she wants it, she’ll take it. Once again, you’ll deal either way, because you’re lucky she’s even putting it in her mouth.
So it’s pretty simple, if you want her to blow you more, you must first find a willing woman, one who can enjoy giving it to you, just as much as you enjoy receiving it. You must also trim it up (at the least) and wash your junk (you need to not stink and rinse all the damn soap off). Don’t forget to pay your own dues; from a woman’s point of view, I’d suggest you pay your dues first – were far more kinky after a decent orgasm than before. She might not be a porn star but she’ll be far more willing to act like one, once she’s fully turned on. Food for thought.
For the women: If you have an offender on your hands, refer him to the list and let him correct his mistakes. Then #JustBlowHim Don’t like it? #SuckItUpAndSuckIt learn to love the flesh flavored lollipop, for both your sake….but mostly, for his.
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7 Responses to So, you want a blowjob?

  1. Amanda Decker says:

    Bahahahahahaha!! Cadbury Egg!!!! Lmao

  2. 🙂 I'm still chuckling over that part.

  3. Eielofview says:

    There are two more reasons I know of. First if I don't get the expected response. If you like it tell us, a little feedback will go a very long way. Second for the 5-minute thing, maybe we just want it inside? Really a girl wants to get off too and if you're not the type to return oral, or your a little clumsy with your hands (the clit is not an easy button) Then we know the only ways to get off are to climb on or do it ourselves, and as you said "That shit feels good"

  4. Axe body wash is not a replacement for flavored lube…Moses part the lips. I love this so much!

  5. 🙂 glad you enjoyed it!!

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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