Have you seen it? Have you heard of it? No? Well, please allow me to fill you in on Discovery Channel’s new show, Naked andAfraid. When I first saw it on the guide, I admit, my mind went naughty, naughty places. (What can I say? I should have been born a dude.) Of course, once I realized it was on the Discovery Channel, I lost a little interest. After all, how naughty can it really be, if Discovery is playing it? So it’s not porn but it said naked and that’s usually worth checking out. I was in for a real surprise, when I discovered the show was about Surviving the wild…while Naked.
For those of you who have seen the show, you understand my uncontrollable laughter and utter disbelief in our world going anywhere good once we start marching around naked in the wilderness.
Apparently, Naked and Afraid is a show where two people, a man and a woman from what I can see, have to survive in a wilderness of some sort. In the episode in question, it features two people in the African Serengeti. These two people will remain in the wilderness for 21 days, naked,with nothing. No supplies that I can tell of and well, no damn clothes. No clothes? Yes, NO clothes, in the wilderness!!
Now, there are many places I could go with this but here is where I would like to start.
*A letter to the Film Editor*
Dear Discovery Channel Film Editor,
I would like to apologize to you on behalf of the world! You poor, poor, person. Your eyes must have burst into flames by now, from all the random anal and crotch shots you’ve repeatedly endured. Some of which, include angry vaginas! What a horror show that must be for you. I imagine it’s like flashes of a murder scene, as if someone had recently challenged their vaginas to a sword fight that they had sadly lost.
I truly hope that you were paid huge sums of money to watch this footage and to edit them. We all commend you for doing such a task, if not for our poor eyes sake than for our mental wellness. I personally really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart….no really, from the bottom of my soul!
Your finely placed blurs are saving me from going blind. Some imagines can never be removed from the mind, they’re just burned there. However, your epic use of the blur, saved me a very high shrink bill and lots of liquor. I commend your work sir and bow down to you, as an artist in your field.
One, slightly less disturbed woman.
Now, on to all the things wrong with this show.
1. Both people are naked! Now, I like to be naked but I personally don’t feel the need to stick my butt on rocks or in the dirt. It sounds both, potentially painful and just plain gross!
2. The two people who are taking the challenge, are not a couple. These two people don’t even know each other. As if being naked wasn’t strange enough, lets make them complete strangers…..at least it’s not family. Can you imagine ‘Naked and Afraid: Mother’s Day’ edition…yuck!
3. During this episode on day 13, the woman sits in a stream of some sort. She then slides her bleeding vagina through the mud, basically grinding!! OH MY BOB….through the mud! If that’s not bad enough, she then spreads her legs open, towards the flowing water and basically…..hold on…you won’t believe it…..I’m for real you won’t……ok, I’ll tell you……catches a fish with her vagina!!!! If that in itself isn’t bad enough, I’m pretty sure, no one in the world has ever sounded as happy when saying the words. “Yay, a fish in the crotch.”
4. These people must have no idea that cameras are all around them because they do not fear bending over, at all. Really, people? I have no need to see the mass of dirt and left over crap, that’s shoved up your crack. When you bend over and ‘rock’ type formations of dirt falls out your ass crack, it’s time to change the channel.
5. During the 21 day stay, on this episode, the woman experiences her cycle. No worries, you don’t see blood…though one would think that you would. Either way, she didn’t really have to share with the world that she was having this issue. When they split up to find food and the guy starts complaining about his infected foot, he makes a comment that he’s afraid it will be cause the “wounded animal” effect…meaning something may see his struggling and eat him. Seriously dude, what are you complaining about?
This woman is bent down in the middle of a field, under a tree, in the middle of the night….bleeding. Predators are all around, cackling and looking for a quick meal. She’s literally dripped a path of blood, leading up to her. Not to mention the fact that as she sits there crouching, she’s making a little pool of blood. She’s in the middle of trying to find a new meaning for the phrase “getting eat-out” and “earning your redwings”. The only question he needs to be asking about that foot, is if it’s good enough to out-run that lady when the lions show up.
6. From what I can see, there is no money involved. What, no reward for all your insane, naked, wilderness traveling? What a rip off. I could forgive you if say 10,000 dollars were on the line, sure, you’re not AS crazy then. However, getting nothing in return for suffering in the wilderness and dragging your vagina through the mud is just crazy….and bad business. I’m just saying, if you want me to drag my parts through the mud, you better be offering a whole lot of money. Sure, I’ll do it all day long with clothes on, for free. Naked, no thanks, you’re going to have to pay for that one buddy.
I think I’ll end on that note. Watch it, don’t watch it, I don’t know. It was good for a ‘what the fuck’ kind of laugh but the burning in my eye and mind, may never stop. You’ve been warned.
Then again, the clip for next week, has a buff, military dude….who just might be worth the watch. Though, the fact the Discovery won’t show it ALL, might make me mad. So, Mr.Editior, I might be upset with you next week. I’m just saying forget the nip slip and give us a little “tip” slip, bahahahahaha.