Birth is a wonderful and glorious miracle. Could any other act be as beautiful? Sure, there’s a bit of pain but once that little bundle of joy arrives, none of that matters anymore. The pain is non-existent, all those months of vomiting is forgiven…life is simply beautiful.
You’ve heard all this mumbo-jumbo right? I mean, yeah, birth is an awesome miracle but let’s not get carried away. I think we should go ahead and just tell the truth now. It’s time us mothers fill in the moms-to-be.
You see, I was watching Kill Bill 2, I believe. When I started thinking about labor, the feeling, the thoughts…the experience as a whole. So naturally, I felt I just had to share it with my minions.
Here’s labor, ImNoHumdrum-Mum style.
1. You must be in labor, duh! This is when the fun of IV’s come into play. Now I admit, I was induced with all my children. Therefore, I’m unsure as to when IV’s come into play for those who naturally go into labor. No matter, here’s how it plays out.
A nurse of some sort will stab you, if you’re lucky, it’ll only be once. If you’re like me, it’ll be a couple times and the room will look like a murder scene. Oh yes, I’m so lucky to be the person who always gets the “new guy”. Yay me!!
The women I had with my last child, was the worst! It felt as if she was ripping my vein out, backwards….through my hand. She then sprayed the bed, herself, the floor and of course me, with blood. All in efforts to go for it again. Sadly, that one didn’t take either. Lucky me, she finally got it right the third time. It took everything I had in me, not to punch her in the face as she ripped the needle from my hand. After she left, I informed my husband that it’d be best if she not touch me again. I’m not one of “those” people but I would like it if you know what you are doing, k, thanks. I get that everyone has to learn but on a pregnant women, is not the place….nor is it the time.
2. Who made hospital beds so dang uncomfortable? Most times, you’re already in pain….why would they make you lay in something that only increases the discomfort? I just can’t understand it! The ability to make your butt go numb is as worse, if not worse, than movie theater seats. Here you are, super fat, cankles shining, trying to heave yourself from side to side. All in the name of comforts sake! I mean geeze bob, girl can’t get a nice foam padding….a bean bag….anything? I may as well sit on the floor.
3. I don’t care if you forget everything else, bring your pillows. Three kids and I have yet to come across a comfortable hospital pillow. With all the uncomfortableness, I couldn’t have been happier to have my pillows. If for any other reason, it feels a bit more “homey”.
4. Epidurals are awesome and sometimes, stupid! I’m thankful for the fact that any pain reliever I receive, sped pregnancy up a LOT! Sadly, all women are not the same and there’s a good chance it could stop or slow down your labor. Both of which are super, über, omega, LAME! Once again, glad it didn’t happen that way for me but its something to consider.
You should also consider the fact that you can get a “newbie” in this area as well. I know, happened to me TWICE!! Both time were equally terrible in there own way. The first, because he missed and they ended up having to do the whole thing over. My back has never been the same since and I have a quarter size spot, on my spine, that lights my body into the internal hell fire of pain.
* side note: kids little fingers, toes, elbows and knees, WILL find that spot….many times.*
The second time was bad because it was taking the man forever….and a day. I wouldn’t complain but my sons head was pressing against the table and I was kind of ready to get the show on the road. I’m just saying, you should probably take those things into consideration.
Another, BIG thing you should think about is how comfortable you are with peeing in a pan. Yup, a pan! The epidural can really do some powerful voodoo on the body. With my last child, I arrived at the hospital, drank like a loon in the dessert and didn’t pee for 6 hours. I’m talking huge things of water and LOT of fluids through the IV. Quite sometime after having my son, an hour to two I’d say, the nurse was badgering me to pee. She was shocked that I didn’t even feel the need to pee. Seeing as how I couldn’t walk and wanted to at least try and avoid the dreaded catheter….that meant, the pan.
So here I sat, pan beneath my butt, legs numb and heavy…waiting to pee. The nurse thankfully left, sure my husband was sitting next to me but hey, give a girl a little bit of dignity. Of course, it didn’t matter….I couldn’t pee. Try as hard as I did, it refused to come. Not even the “pee pee” song would work. (Don’t ask, haha.) The point is that all dignity is lost when your spread eagle with a bucket between your legs, a tube in your vagina and steady flow of urine draining from your body.
It only gets worse when the nurse has to run off for two other buckets. At this point, if you said I was full of piss, well, you’d be right. I’m sorry but you can’t disagree with the fact that all dignity has flow the coop by now. Who else would be sitting spread eagle, being drained of urine and laughing about the fact they can’t even feel the catheter, let alone the fluids they are releasing. Who turned on the faucet?…yeah, that’s right, no dignity left.
4. If your feeling down about the possible lose of your dignity, through urine. Don’t worry to much, you’ll have a nice opportunity for that when your in labor. There is nothing grosser than being in labor, talking to your family…just going about your business. When you laugh or have a contraction and fluids ooze from your vagina. I personally feel there is no creepier feeling then having a normal family conversation while a strong, overly warm things flow from your vagina. Ok, so your saying, I have a period, that’s the same. Well, you’d be wrong, this is just strange, like your vagina is sinking boat and the baby is baling out cups of water. (Haha, if I have any readers after this, I’ll be one lucky blogger.) I just wanted you to be prepared for that feeling.
“Oh hi mom, yeah everything’s going great.”
Mom ” What do want to eat after you deliver?”
” A Chicken” Pause for contractions and release of cup sized amounts of what feels like snot. “Sandwich?” It now become a question because your unsure if you’ll want to eat after this, I mean, what just happened down there? Is that an alien? OMG…is it alien slime?
“Honey, honey, take a look down there…is it green? Does it look chunky or extraterrestrial?” Sigh in relief. Haha.
5. The most refreshing and nastiest shower you ever take, will be after a vaginal birth. Now, I didn’t have a c-section so I can’t say how it was for them. I personally imagine it wouldn’t be as messy but I really don’t know and won’t pretend that I do. What I do know is that blood seems to be everywhere, your down stairs is sore and the water looks like something out of a horror flick. The best thing you can hope for in this case, is a removable shower head. That was a blessing with my last child. If I was looking into a hospital, I’d look for that, your vagina will thank you.
Over-all, yes, birth is a beautiful thing. However, don’t be fooled, it has PLENTY of downsides. There are a ton of things books, classes, websites and friends tell you but they never really give you the nitty gritty. I mean really, we all know epidural numb body parts but I bet you didn’t think it could play out like that.
Come on moms, tell a mom-to-be the real birth story and give her a fighting chance. Save mom-to-bes, dignity. After all, us moms need all we can get.
*Little tip* Birth can be an easy going experience. No, you won’t always be comfortable but laughing, gentle steady breaths and entertaining conversation really does help. If you focus on the discomfort or the time it’s taking, you’ll make the experience way harder on yourself. Buck up, get the champion mind set on and deliver that baby like BOSS!!!
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