Vaginal Protection For The Wilderness

A while ago, I wrote a post about the show ‘Naked and Afraid’, entitled Survivalist Gone Wild. ( Click it, you want to know) Through my search term stats, I found that someone had come across the post by searching ‘How to protect your vagina in the wilderness?’ I’m not sure of the exact information they were after but clearly someone was wondering.
Unfortunately for them, ‘Survivalist Gone Wild’ was mostly likely not the answer, they were looking for. Though I’m sure they got a good laugh anyways and that’s worth google misleading you, anytime.
Considering the random search term and the show ‘Naked and Afraid’, I just knew I had to help out…being the kind and concerned person I am and all. I mean, what kind of woman would I be if I didn’t set the record straight, on how to keep your vagina protected in the big, bad wilderness? Horrible right? I know.
 If you’re wondering how to keep the va-jay-jay safe or if you’re considering a spot on ‘Naked and Afraid’, you’re going to want to make sure you check out my top ten things to avoid and get the one tip you need to keep your “girl” safe.
1. Vaginal fishing. Say what? That’s right, I said vaginal fishing! It’s a no-no, a BIG no-no. In one of the first airing of ‘Naked and Afraid’, we watched as one woman sat in a stream and created her own “dam”, in which she then caught a fish, with her vagina.
Ok, so the fish didn’t swim inside her but as far as I’m concerned it rubbed up, all against her vagina. This my friends, is not ok!! First off, fish scales cut, that’s pain and possible infection. Secondly, every time someone mentions a fishy smell, in the future, you’re going to wonder if it’s you. Last but not least, eating it would be like eating yourself and that’s just creepy.
2. Bugs! Bugs, everywhere. I’m talking about a vagina full of ant bites, spider bites, mosquitos, fleas and every other creepy, crawler. The itching will be enough to drive you mad and the splotchy, bite ridden sight would leave you feeling ill. Not to mention the possibility of one laying its eggs in you! Oh the horror! That’s a problem a can of Raid can’t cure and well, it’s just disturbing. So if you don’t die from infection, you can watch in horror as bugs walk out your “cozy cave”.
3. As many of you know, there are a lot of period myths floating around out there. Of course, we don’t know it all and I personally wouldn’t feel the need to leave my bleeding vagina out for random wilderness creatures. I don’t think there is any amount of therapy that can bring you back from an animal sniffing around in your vagina and I’m not talking about in a friendly dog, kind of way. No, more like a hungry wolf, who’s trying to decide if he’s about to dine in on chicken or pork. Little did he know, it’s more like chicken of the sea…
4. Infections. What? I know I’ve mentioned it but bug bites and cuts aren’t your only worries here. It is the wilderness, after all. Just think about it. There is no way possibly that sitting bare ass naked in the sand, grass, mud, swamps, random-rancid water holes and who knows what else, could be good for you. You naughty beach-humpers out there, likely have experienced the nightmare of sand in your vagina….it’s almost as terrible as sand in your pee-hole. That should really be enough to reason to keep your bare-bits, out of the sand!
5. Wilderness swimming: You might think the first place I’d go is fish but that’s not so much the worry. My fear, would be leeches! The thought could make me hurl. Could you imagine having to pull them off of your lady parts? The thought of a tick is bad enough but a leech…that’s stomach turning. I can’t even fathom what it would feel like to pull one or more of those slimy, sluggish creatures off of your nether regions, let alone….your clit! That’s one experience, no one needs.
6. Snakes: I know, we talked about creepy crawlies but snakes are a whole new ball game. First, we come back to the possibility of one decided to just “climb” right in. No dinner, No dancing, No drinks, just a snake rape. Bleh, no thanks. If that’s not bad enough, what if they decide to take a taste or you sit on one?? I don’t know about you but a snake bite to the vagina sounds about as well as a donkey kick to the face. Think I’ll just skip that too.
7. One of my biggest worries thought, would have to be sticks. Sure, it’s a beautiful day and you’re getting a great tan on your naked wilderness hike. However, once you accidentally sit on a stick and experience “broken” tree sex…you’ll never be the same again. Not only can you never tell anyone about this, you have to hope that it doesn’t get infected…no one wants to try and explain that one to a doctor or anyone else for that matter.
8. Have you ever had a dog greet you by humping your leg? Well, what if other animals feel the need to do this but we just don’t know it yet? Would you really want to risk being leg raped by a boar or whatever’s lurking in the dark? Yeah, me neither. There is some research you just don’t want to do and finding out if all animals demonstrate this behavior, is one of them.
9. Skin cancer: We all know it’s a very real thing, as are sunburns. A burnt, lobster colored vagina is good to no one. If you thought ‘sharkweek’ was bad just wait until you’re trying to pee, walk, sit, and stand or well…move. Not to mention the fact that the sunburn will eventually peel and then you’ll be forever referred to as the lady with the snake vagina. Sounds funny, but you’ll never live that down either.
10. Dreads: Are you scratching your head? I would be. I’m certainly not speaking of the hair-style. I’m talking about your dirt cover, bug infested and ever growing lady bush. By the time you’re done rolling around in the wilderness, that thing is going to be a matted mess of nasty that will require a weed-whacker and googles to tame. Until that time, you’ll to deal with the joy of your mattes slowly ripping hair out with movement.
I know, it’s all so scary right? Don’t worry, the protection of your vagina come down to simple step. I really hope you have figured it out by now but the off chance that you haven’t….it’s a simple as putting some damn clothes on! I hope that helps you in all the questions you may have about protecting your vagina in the wilderness.
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2 Responses to Vaginal Protection For The Wilderness

  1. john adams says:

    oops fprgot the hashtag #WineandBoobs

  2. Vaginas are their own ecosystem – with these tips on board I am sure to be able to protect my vagina at all times! Bahahahhaa Mel xx

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