Hello all, I’m back again and in a humorous mood. Parenting is like a 24/7 job at the circus! So I bring you my collection of “You know you’re a mom…”
1. When using the bathroom in peace is as relaxing as going to the spa.
2. When every brown stain makes you wonder if its poo or not.
3. When the snot on your clothes is no longer your own.
4. When you can catch throw up in a plate, while still eating your dinner.
5. When your butt is not the only one you’re wiping.
6. If you’ve ever said stop eating your boogers.
7. If you find yourself saying things like “Don’t eat out of the trash or off the floor”.
8. When getting out the door is like an Olympic sport – only you never get a metal.
9. When gaining the ability to change more than one diaper at a time is like gaining a super power.
10. When you’re dog tired at the end of the day, but keeping going because someone has to adult.
11. If you’ve ever fished a toy from a toilet.
12. If you’ve ever discussed baby poop, in length.
13. If you’ve ever been pooped on.
14. When your child spits up in your mouth.
15. On that long drive home from the hospital, when everything worries you, and all you want to do
is get home.
16. When you’re pushing out a bowling ball.
17. When a child blames you for the gas they passed, in public.
18. When you can bottle or breastfeeding with your eyes closed.
19. When every little sound, sounds like a baby crying.
20. When you jump from your sleep because even a baby fart can wake you.
21. When you only have two arms, but still work like you have eight.
22. When you start forgetting your own name.
23. When your house is full of toys and none of them are sexual. (Ok, close to none lol)
24. When your alarm clock is a cry, kids screaming at the door, or when you’re being made into a
25. When you find yourself singing Dora, Dora the explorer.
26. When you can name all the Nick Jr. Characters.
27. When you become a critic of toddler shows.
28. When you say no at least 20 times a day.
29. Every time you feel a chunk of hair pulled out.
30. If you can only fit an arm into most the clothes in your home.
31. If you’ve ever wanted to smack another mom.
32. If you’ve ever sighed over stretchmark’s.
33. If you spend most your day playing games.
34. When you can do a week’s worth of stuff in a day.
35. When you say the abcs and 123s multiply time a day.
36. When you have to answer weird questions like “why do dogs poop?” And “Why does that man smell bad?” <—( always ends up being asked in public and overly loud)
37. Every time they find a new way to embarrass you.
38. When one of your life goals becomes to embarrass your children.
39. When you spend more time getting them ready than you do yourself.
40. When you’ve had to clean up a “chef’s master piece.” (Mine was raw eggs and ranch…all over
41. When you can push a swing, hold a phone call and eat your lunch at the same time.
42. Every time you end up late.
43. When that pregnancy test pops positive.
44. When you color outside the lines to make them feel better.
45. When you’d give up any and everything for them.
46. When you spring a breast leak in public and it’s just another day.
47. When pulling your breast out in public is acceptable.
48. When you find yourself in need of a vacation more than normal.
49. When Friday night goes from all night parties full of fun, to all night cry fest full of crappy diapers.
50. When you kiss your spouse and hear ewwww in the background.
51. When your fancy china is the non-cartoon character plastic plates.
52. If you’ve ever sniffed a butt.
53. If you’ve ever spent a night covered in throw up, that’s not yours, and has nothing to do with
54. If you’ve ever washed a baby in the sink.
55. If you’ve ever had an epic battle with the boogie man.
56. If you’ve ever carried a conversation on, on a fake phone. (It’s Mickey Mouse on the line, you know what I’m talking about.)
57. When you can recall numbers like the rain man. Date, number of dirty diapers, number of feeds,
weight, length….and it goes on and on, like the song that never ends.
58. If you’ve ever done the hot dog dance.
59. If you know what this is from. (There’s a party in my tummy, so yummy, so yummy.)
60. If you’ve ever been to a play date.
61. If it’s Christmas and you’re Santa.
62. If putting a crib together is a cake walk.
63. When you’re in the PTA.
65. If you drive a van (SUV, things alike) and it’s full of toys and random french-fries.
66. If you avoid or run by the toy aisles.
67. If you’ve ever given a mom a sour look for letting her kid climb up the slide.
68. If you’ve ever taken a rectal temperature.
69. If you’ve ever put pads in your bra.
70. If you’ve ever pumped yourself like a dairy cow.
71. If you’ve ever used a diaper as a pad cause it all you have on hand, and it close enough. (This is a friends gold nugget lol)
72. When random people automatically become killers, or perverts until proven otherwise.
73. If you’ve ever fished poop out of your bath tub.
74. If you’ve ever thrown up from the horrific-ness a child can turn food into.
75. If you’ve ever had lice or a lice scare, in adulthood.
I guess I’ll leave it at that for now, it’s getting late here and I wouldn’t want you all to laugh too hard. Wouldn’t want y’all to split a stitch or anything. hahaha